I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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