im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
