you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
