Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
