You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
