i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
