I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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