Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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