she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
