if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
