it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
