I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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