my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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