I'm so fucking centered right now
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
