What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fuck me I smell like cheese
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
