i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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