chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
