I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
