# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
