I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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