Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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