I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
