Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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