Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
