Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
