I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
