I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Are we still banned from the library?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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