I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
