my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
