I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
