so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
