You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
