Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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