is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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