She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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