Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
