highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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