she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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