I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Randomize
