I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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