Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
