I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wear drunk well.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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