just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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