Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
