she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
