I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
