i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
