someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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