tell your sister to shave her snatch
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
