We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
