Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
