nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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