i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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